My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
