Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Small penises have feelings too.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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