I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
