Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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