I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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