Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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