I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
