You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
