Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You don't make any sense
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