you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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