soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
