i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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