Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
