i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize