long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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