i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
