I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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