Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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