My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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