i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
