my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
