go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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