i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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