It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
