I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think my vagina is haunted
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
