So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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