ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
