Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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