I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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