we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
