This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
