everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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