Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
