have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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