I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
