I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
