Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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