i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
