I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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