i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
