If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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