he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
