if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He felt like a one man threesome
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
