You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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