I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
