Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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