I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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