dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sext me about skeletons
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
