did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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