Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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