Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
