is your mom at the bar?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
