I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
