Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
