he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
