ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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