He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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